Tried to give me his binky

*I haven't had the internet for almost a year...which is why i've been slacking on posts. Her are some stories i've written while i was disconnected from the web.

June 26th, 2008

Tonight something happened. Everyone says that mothers have a stronger bond with their children at first because they spend nine months nurturing, growing, and anticipating their babies. Their babies are able to respond back to them with kicks and hiccups. Who knew that kicks and hiccups were such strong bonding mechanisms?

But tonight…tonight was more than kicks and hiccups. Tonight I was more than frustrated with life. I scream the f-word at a diaper bin. I tossed piles upon piles of dishes into the sink. I balanced and re-balanced the washing machine. I scrubbed facial shave gel out of the bathroom sink. I wiped urine off of the part of the toilet seat that I sit on. I cuddled my little ray of sunshine on the cool sheets of my bed to dry his tears from the newly budding teeth. As he scream I was overwhelmed with emotion. I started to cry, then I started to sob, then I looked right into his deep cappuccino eyes and plead over again, ‘Make mama happy. Please make mama happy. Please, please, please.’ Then he looked into my eyes and smiled the most precious smile of understanding. He, my precious son, understood. He may not understand my please for him to stop crying, however he understands my emotions. He understands that tears are tears and that at that moment Mama needed him. He cupped his baba with one fist and took my hand from his little feet and pulled it to his arm, then to cup his cheek. He then smiled that smile again of complete understanding. And there we sat for a full minute, caught in a gaze of understanding and appreciation. Then he guided my hand to his breathing tummy and let the moment be. I was in complete awe that I couldn’t help but immediately stop my tears. This moment was my bonding experience, my kicks and hiccups. This moment reminded me of a song that I don’t know the name of or the lyrics to but I know two lines. The two most perfect lines of a song that could complete my moment.

You give me something, I was scared to find.
You give me something, and I’m willing to give it a try.

Even now as he lays in bed on his back jabbering in the glow of my laptop, I’m feeling complete knowing he gets me. He may not understand my words, but he understands my emotions. He, my seven month son, gets me. And I couldn’t feel more complete.