Ecstacy

Currently I have just gotten home from work, started some wash, and caught up with my family. For most people this would be just an simple average day, but for today this is my ecstasy. I crave for the days with the most order, and the most simplicity. I find the greatest peace with my family and the greatest joy in routine. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the thrill of change, but I'm finding I am most happy with simplicity.

I realized today that I haven't ever mentioned, to anyone except Kris, how excited I am for our baby. I think the reason for this has been for a few reasons. First being at the beginning of my pregnancy I felt overpowered by feelings of shame. I felt that no matter what I chose to do with my baby I would be wrong. Some may think this is typical Melanie behavior and it is. I over thought, over analyzed, and jumbled up my brain so much that I wouldn't allow myself to make the best choice for our baby. Then one day I went and spoke with someone from an adoption agency and it all became suddenly clear. Now what I'm going to say next is the most simple thing but bear with me. She had said,"You have every right to choose to parent this child." It was as simple as that. I finally got it in my head that I had a choice. I didn't have to live in my own personal hell. I had the right to choose for my baby boy what I thought would be best for him. From that moment to now I've been at peace.

I have chosen to 'parent my child' as McKenna would put it. :) I have chosen for my baby to be there for him emotionally, physically, financially, and in all possible ways that I can. At first it was overwhelming and I was scared out of my mind. How was I, and Kris, going to be able to do, at the least, an adequate job of parenting our precious baby boy. With everyday I get more and more excited because I'm realizing we may not be married, we may have chosen the 'hard way' or the 'wrong way' but we have massive amounts of potential for success because of a few things.

Love - not only for each other but for our baby.
Trust - to be there in every way possible for each other and our baby
Acceptance - that our situation is not typical but we can make the best of it

The reason for this blog is not to try and validate my choice to anyone. It is simply a realization that I had not expressed my excitement for my child. I am grow more excited for our child everyday. I am excited for the late nights of no sleep, for the seemingly never ending dirty diapers, for the smell of my baby, for the sound of his precious laugh, and all of the many ups and downs of being a parent. I am filled with hope for him. I'm understanding more and more everyday what my parents have always meant when they say, "Just wait until you have a child, then you will understand." I know I don't fully understand this concept, but I'm getting closer everyday.