Contemplation.

contemplation: concentration on spiritual things as a form of private devotion b : a state of mystical awareness of God's being 2 : an act of considering with attention 3: the act of regarding steadily.

The act of contemplating life in general is a subject far more time consuming that a 30 minute blog. but i will attempt. :)

sometimes i feel overwhelmed and sometimes underwhelmed(yes i know it's not a real word mom, but you know what i'm trying to say) there are unlimited amounts of options, unlimited abouts of choice, and an unlimited amount of mistakes. i want to do them all. i want to live my life by learning through my own mistakes and those of others. i look at my life and i'm moslty overwhelmed. there's so much i want to do with a limited amount of time.
1. become a complete person. life is all about growing into your own, and being happy. there was a period of time when i grew and then i was happy. i think i'm backin the growing stage right now. it's not that i'm not happy, it's just things aren't CLICKING as i call it. CLICKING is when life becomes life. i don't know how to explain. i think it is more based on acceptance. the acceptance of your circumstances. it's also being free, living how you want to and being complete.
2. make my family proud. it's that simple. i know they are proud of me, so maybe it's myself i'm not proud of. As much as i love her, i'm afraid i'm turning into taylor both. it's not a bad thing it's just not melanie davis. i'm turning a little cold and i feel it, but i'm not sure how to change. maybe i'm meant to be a little cold and a little skeptical. explanation: taylor always tells the truth, cut and dry. it's one of the things i love about her. i want to be the person who is completely honest. i'm trying, but i've lost the 9-year-old part of me that is empathetic. i became cut and dry, instead of twisting my words to be compassionate. I almost feel as if i'm a mean person pretending to be kind instead of a kind person. ( as i'm reviewing my blog, i'm noticing the word twisting which is a red flag in my mind. what kind of person can't just be compassionate but has to work hard to be compassionate. and instead of doing the actual actions of compassion, i feel as if i'm going through the motions. i'm pretending to care, and be kind. it's not coming as easily as i'm used to)
3. EVENTUALLY i would like to get married. definitely not any time soon. I'm not jaded towards marraige because of life. i think i'm just extra cautious. many of my friends are already getting married, and people aren't shocked by this, they just accept it as a social norm. all i know is when i'm ready i will know. and i'm most definitely not ready.
4. i want to travel. which most of the traveling i wish to do will happen this upcoming spring. and i couldn't be more happy. i get teary eyed everytime i think about it. the main reason i'm going is not to look at art, it's to gain the experiene. i want to understand more, learn more, maybe then things will click. it's almost a self searching experience. my dream of traveling will happen and it's unnerving. what will i dream of next?
5. i want those around me to be happy. there's the general moms and dads that i wish for the best, but each person in my life has struggles. i don't necessarily wish the struggle to end, because i believe struggle is what makes life good, you can't have the good without the bad, i simply wish for the CLICK factor to happen and for peace of mind for everyone( i sound so corny but oh well this is my blog :) come on guys )

i know part of life is growing up...moving away from home... and i know everyone has gone through or will go through what i'm doing. you never understand until it happens. when you move out, you do miss home. then when you visit you feel a mixture of homesickness and displacement. almost as if the home isn't yours anymore.

a part of me wants to hit myself in the face and say shut up mel. you've been thinking of others since you were born, you've been thinking like an adult, or what i thought was how an adult should think, for as long as you remember. why is it hard. i realize the psychological aspects of it, i realize the physical aspects of it. it seems like i have a pretty good understanding of moving out. just accept it. don't fight the feeling loneliness, everyone has it. why can't i be everyone. why do i hold myself to a different standard than i do others. it's not because i think i'm better than them. it's more the feeling of, ' ok i know why i'm feeling this way, i know that i should feel this way, i know it's ok to feel this way but you have to fight it' everyone goes through struggles, and i knew moving out would be more difficult for me than some other people. but i can't let myself just accept it. i feel like i should know better. it's not like i'm dying. it's not like they're dying. they aren't that far away. i get how i'm thinking but i can't stop fighting.